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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)
to do their job. i went to the gap to buy jeans last week. that used to be a five-minute chore. now they gave the same pair a jeans a thousand different names. the kid knew less about it then i did. he goes, "i don't know. you want to try on the easy fitting jeans?" "no, bring me the most difficult pair of pants you have. something with thirteen leg holes, and the zipper welded shut. i want to piss myself at happy hour tonight." he talked me into buying button fly jeans. that's what i need after twenty beers, a dexterity test, ya know? (laughter) i'm walkin' around a night club with a big wet ring on my pants, "hi, how are you? i forgot the combination on my slacks." thanks a lot. you guys have been a nice crowd. thank you very much. thank you. (cheers and applause) captioned by mccaptioning services. captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. good show tonight. tonight's
out the legal arguement to justify the president's use of drones to kill al qaeda suspects including, in some cases, u.s. citizens. >> jon: u.s. what now? u.s. who? i never thought some of the terrorists could be people on america's got talent. you have to be american to be on america's got talent, don't you otherwise it's cuba's got talent. i bet it's specific about when they can order the killing. >> the killing is allowed if they are leaders of al qaeda and an -- or an associated terror group. >> jon: no worries they won't kill you unless you are part of the al qaeda parent company. al qaeda in iraq, al qaeda in libya, euro al qaeda, chipotle. [ laughter ] oh, really they are not part of -- i thought al qaeda bought that from mcdonalds? either way it's delicious. [ laughter ] lest you worry that we're being too general about who we can target and it's too late to cancel your incredibly ill-advised spring break trip to the yemen sandals. [laughter] the leaked document lays out clear limitations of when terrorists can be targeted. we only take these kinds of actions when there's an
this song. ♪ well, we go to the bars ♪ to get us some drinks ♪ they won't let us march and we think that stinks ♪ so we won't be there ♪ on st. paddy's day ♪ 'cause we're fat and we're irish ♪ ♪ we're drunk and we're gay [laughter and applause] ♪ so pass me the pretzels give me the brew ♪ ♪ if your [bleep] is a ladle ♪ me ass is the stew feel free to sing along. ♪ well, some say it's evil ♪ some claim that it's vicious ♪ i happen to think that it's ♪ magically delicious ♪ so let's play that game called ♪ ♪ take out your balls ♪ it's easy to play ♪ just take out your balls ♪ so pour me a bud i'll pour you a bass ♪ ♪ put a potato in a cannon ♪ and fire it up in the air ♪ heidi-he, heidi-ho heidi-hi, heidi-hey ♪ everyone. ♪ we're fat and we're irish we're drunk and we're gay ♪ well, that wasn't everyone, was it? [laughter] ♪ heidi-he, heidi-ho heidi-hi, heidi-hey ♪ everyone. ♪ we're fat and we're irish we're drunk and we're gay ♪ i'm gonna keep doing this til' everyone sings. and that'll get pretty [bleep] annoying. ♪ heidi-
, that was brilliant. you know priests had to be like, damn, why didn't we think of that? it was right in front of us the whole time. i think the jackson family works for the government. that's my new theory, i think every time the government needs a distraction they call up the jackson's. "yeah, hello janet, "we're gonna need you to whip out a titty at the superbowl. "yeah. yeah. and tell michael to schedule a sleepover asap, operation 'beat it' is in effect." but let's not lose sight of the real tragedy here which is that michael jackson's music kind of sucks now. i think we'd all be willing to sacrifice a couple kids - for another billy jean. - [audience groans] hey, at this point i'd be willing to look the other way for a pyt. greatness has its price. thanks a lot guys. you've been great. have a great night. [cheers, whistles & applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services www.mccaption.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioni
city police commissioner ray kelly is going to join us. and after the show, directly after the show, he and i are going to go on the roof of this building and we're going to summon batman. only the police commissioner knows how to do. that you shine a light and then -- [laughter] as you know, kind of a funny thing happened in this year's presidential election amidst the worst economy in decades, high unemployment and a steep spiritual decline, the country chose not a self made and virtuous patriot to heal our woes -- [laughter] -- but the same foreign-born socialist tyrant who created all of our woes. [ laughter ] how did republicans lose this eminently winnable presidential race? the republican party has a serious messaging problem. >> i think our messaging has not been very strong. >> the messaging was bad. >> jon: messaging. [ laughter ] if only people knew what the republicans were about, what the republicans need is some kind of 24-hour a day seven day a week perpetual messaging refinement and distribution resource, preferly one close to the trappings of journalistic authority but
that, huh? - yeah, you totally-- you pulled that shit on us too. - well... - you son of a bitch. - that's no excuse. - yeah, well, at least you didn't try and grift a doctor, though. - no, no, i never actually said i was a doctor. - he's the goddamn church gardener. - a gardener? i guess that would explain this. - oh! oh! - jesus! - i was gonna talk to you about that. i'm really sorry. you had my back up against the wall. i had to spray you with a heavy dose of pesticide. put some aloe vera gel on there, a little bit of vitamin d-- - what? he doesn't know that. he doesn't know that. - don't get a diagnosis from him now. - why--how would you know that? goddamn it. - dennis. dennis! mom's alive. she faked her own death to steal frank's money, and we think it's buried in her grave. - that dirty whore. everybody get a goddamn shovel! this is such a perfect place for that bitch to hide my money. - oh, psychic john talked about this. he said i was gonna come into a windfall of cash, and it's all in here. - yeah, and then we can use some of that cash to pay for the statue that our moms broke,
kid one, kid two, kid three, and of course, kid four. i remember how kid one used to laugh and play and how kid two was always there when i needed him, - [grunts] - oh, my god. - ughghghg.rrrrghg - it's the kids. they're alive. - ughghghg.rrrrghg - rughghg.! - kids, i saved you. - just stay away from us, asshole. you ! i was nice to you because i felt sorry for yousshol because you don't have any friends. but now i see why you don't have any friends. you just use manbearpig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser.tten - yeah, right, the man who single-handedlybecau killed manbearpig is a loser. - blarghh, baarrhghgh. - we need to get our friend to a hospital right away. - no, no, i'm fine.t away i just need to get home and rest. - cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor.a - naw, i just need to get to a toilet.d to se see you guys, i--t. haba-- [farting and clinking] - dude, did cartman just crap treasure? - it's mine. - dude, did cartman just crap treasure? it's mine, you hear me? i got it out of the cave. it's mine, you hear me? it belongs to me.? keep yo
bailout and lived to tell the tale of it. neil barofsky will be joining us on the program. we have a program note. last night we went all in on president obama, his administration and the secrecy regarding the seemingly ambiguous and power loaded u.s. drone program. you may have seen that at 11:00 on the way to checking out top champions. it's a show on the food network but it's december appointing because you are expecting champions and -- [laughter] at least show the documents to congress we pled to the president. show them to congress so that the two of you can abuse american power together as the founders intended. before we release that nugget into the -- what is it called -- a tv. [ laughter ] this little piece of news came out. >> president obama has directed the justice department to provide congressional intelligence committees access to classified information providing the legal rational for the drone strikes. >> jon: the guy just ruined our whole (bleep) show. just out of the clear blue boom! no warning. whole show, blew it up. [ laughter ] we tape at 6:30 and there's a
the information on what happened in benghazi including who changed the talking points susan rice used on the sunday morning shows so we can be sure no americans are harmed again by the talking points. >> whatever was said based on information provided by the intelligence community on a series of sunday shows bears no relevance on the ultimate questions of what happened in benghazi. there's an obvious political obsession over a series of talk points that again bears no relevance on the essential issues here. >> just a lot of pauses. very quickly. they are not important. they are not relevant. they are not germane. you can't have them anyway but lately there's an interesting twist. some democrats apparently deciding -- democrats deciding that what is -- what is the phrase i'm looking for? >> what is sauce for the goose is now sauce for the gander. >> jon: no, no, that's not it. i'm thinking of the other poultry based expression. >> keep (bleep) that chicken. >> jon: keep (bleep) that chicken. that's the one. [laughter] democrats saw republicans (bleep) that chicken. [ laughter ] and the
to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest is donnie wahlberg going to be joining us later on the program on the... lonnie anderson. that's the woman i would be. ( applause ) if you can be any animal, if you can be any woman but nobody ever asked me are you satisfied with you? (laughing) a little bit of housekeeping. last week we did a very clever bit on our program called 19th century news. within the bit we had very witty fun concerning mississippi's just recently ratifying the 13th amendment. agreeing to end slavery, a mere 148 years after. after the rest of us. as many of you know, if i am bringing up something that we did on the show last week, i'm probably about to apologize for it. maybe i'm apologizing to mississippi as painting it to some kind of reluctant entrant to modern morality. yes, no. it concerns a former mississippi secretary of state who presided over a 1995 attempt to ratify the 13th amendment. it failed due to a bureaucratic snafu >> their former secretary of state failed to send a copy of the resolution to the federal registrar. >> jon: classic. here's
stupider than men's are ♪ ♪ so they should always listen to us, 'cause we're smart ♪ ♪ women are only good for three things ♪ ♪ cooking, cleaning, and vaginas ♪ ♪ show me your genitals, your genitals ♪ ♪ show me your genitals ♪ your genitalia ♪ show me your genitals, your genitals ♪ ♪ show me your genitals ♪ your genitalia ♪ i can give good sex to you ♪ 'cause i'm really good at sex ♪ ♪ i can give good sex to you ♪ 'cause my sex is the best [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i have really good sex moves ♪ that i learned in china ♪ i'm a sexual tiger ♪ and i feed on vagina ♪ growl ♪ vagina, vagina ♪ i want to have sex with your vagina ♪ ♪ vagina, vagina ♪ what time is it? ♪ it's vagina thank you, new york! [ cheers and applause ] thanks for coming out. ow! [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. my guest i think you'll enjoy george stephanapolou
, this is an 800 number. every time you call and tell me to kill myself, it's costing us $2.36! so, now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewelry? yes. hello, sir? - you're too scared to do it, aren't ya? you don't have the balls. - goddamn it, i'm not scared to do it. - nah, you're scared. you got-- you got lady balls. [hangs up, dial tone] [beep] - hello? i'm calling about the peridot earrings. - yes, ma'am! - they'd look good on your dead body. why don't you kill yourself? - all right. that's that. that there's the-- the straw that broke the camel's back. i got a gun right here. what do you think about that? - put it against your temple and pull the trigger. [gun clicks] [gunshot] [microphone feedback] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. my guest i think you'll enjoy george stephanapolous will be joining us. mr. stephanapolous will be out here in a little bit. we'll talk to him very briefly because he's got to be up in like two hours. big news fro
avenue in new york right now. thank you for joining us. jessica. what do you think? >> outrage. jon, it's one more example of the politcally correct war on purim. >> jon: did you say there's a war on purim? >> hell yeah there is. this is a low-down dirty stunt. >> jon: how is this a same for purim. >> the way this man denigrates purim it's the fourth or fif. >> jon: keep going. >> it's the seventh, tenth most important jewish holiday there is. >> jon: around there. >> it's to be celebrated with costumes and heros in the ancient badel. >> jon: respect. >> and he trivializes it by dressing up like a basketball player. at what point do the book ofester do the harlem globe trotters show up. >> jon: in my day we dressed as the characters in the story. yourester youred move to dmorded haimis. >> are you doing do that every time. >> he went in where is the booz? >> jon: you are surprisingly knowledgable about this. >> yes, well. >> jon: do you feel like we're losing the reason for the purim season? >> your damn right. purim is about getting so (bleep) up that you couldn't remember that they tr
'll enjoy george stephanapolous will be joining us. mr. stephanapolous will be out here in a little bit. we'll talk to him very briefly because he's got to be up in like two hours. big news from vatican city tonight. >> pope benedict xvi announcing he is stepping down as leader of the catholic church. >> jon: popes can do that? i assumed the papacy was like a lifetime commitment like being in the mob or being a correspondent on "60 minutes." in any case we'll bring you full team coverage of the pope's resignation in "holy quit." how is it going with that popey changey thing? now, the pope has issued a statement citing the growing toll of his advanced age leaving him ill suited for his ministry. but popes usually don't retire until they are called back to the home office. this hasn't happened in 600 years. the obvious question would be... >> what does a retired pope do? 's a retired pope to do? do retired popes do? jon: i'm not a religious scholar but if i know anything about retired people probably the same as what they all do. ♪ what do you mean what does he do? he's an 85-year-old. what
in part based on people who won't argue with him. he wanted to reduce u.s. influence in the world. he wanted to take us down a peg. >> jon: cheney is confident in his opinions and analysis i guess by forgetting that he sucked at this. like he was the (bleep). even if obama wanted to take our standing in the world down a peg, i couldn't because the bush administration left him with no peg room. he could have invested in deep sea peg hole drilling technology but unfortunately he can't afford to because the previous administration left us in a bit of a cash crunch and by previous administration i mean these (bleep). here is what i want to know -- where with the confident criticism in the thing where he did get the balls and please don't say cadavers. remember this, mr. vice president? >> there's no doubt that saddam hussein has weapons of mass destruction. >> jon: not only there are there no jobs there were no weapons. >> we'll be greeted as liberators. >> jon: we were not. >> i think they are in the last throes of the insurgency. >> jon: turns out the beginning to the middle of throes.
, like...us? i mean, are you guys really on tv? - very much. - whatever. - okay, that was easier than i expected. - cool. [woman screams] [rock music] - i love jesus christ, i love football. i love singing, and i love motivating crowds, and i love to [bleep]. and so just to be here with all those things that i love, i'm living my dream every day. four years sober and just doing it every day. well, gosh, i love the internet. - ha ha. good at bizness. >> february 4, 2013. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. former chancellor of washington d.c. public school system michelle rhee is going to be joining us here. stay in school. don't drop out and get high and come to a taping of the show. and ask the host, what's is your script, man? what's on there? ( cheers and applause ) is it the letter g? we have fun here. listen. let's begin tonight with last night. a sporting event know encapsulates the entire tee of w
rhee is going to be joining us here. stay in school. don't drop out and get high and come to a taping of the show. and ask the host, what's is your script, man? what's on there? ( cheers and applause ) is it the letter g? we have fun here. listen. let's begin tonight with last night. a sporting event know encapsulates the entire tee of what it means to be an american. an event know begins with an emotional salute to the victims of gun violence quickly gives way with a promotional salute to the glorifying of said gun violence. >> bang-bang time. jon: yes, it is. bang-bang time. didn't realize it had taken such a dark turn. we cheered as men committed brutal violence one another and then complained bitterly at the sight of two people kissing. and a multimillion dollar sound and light show was immediately followed by yet another sign that our basic infrastructure is on the verge of collapse. couldn't find a football movie where the lights went out. last night was a big bowl of super. anybody out there with red blood coursing through their veins watched the ravens squeeze by the san franc
to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. my guest is bob costas. bob costas. he's going to be joining us on the program. we're going to begin with big news out of washington. in these recent years of perpetual war our military had to address some standard issues in order to keep enlistments up they've loosened their educational requirements, their "have you committed a felony" requirements. but now they're dropping the biggest barrier to combat roles yet. the [bleep] and balls requirement. >> leon panetta announced the military will let women serve in front line combat units including infantry, armor, artillery even potentially special forces >> jon: wow. first gays, now women. what's next? noncitizens? oh, really? for hundreds of years before both those other groups? the point is to it's a major policy shift. there are bound to be detractors >> there are certain anatomical facts about upper body strength. your 6'4 ," 240 pound marine you're injured and you need the marine next to you carry back to safety. your the marine next to you is a 5'4 "women who weighs 115 pounds. >> jon: you're
, but i...i wasn't using you like trevor was. he's a total asshole. i really, really, really like you. - oh. yeah, i know. okay? i was using you. that's why i kissed you in front of the waitress. that's why i banged you a bunch of times, just to make the waitress jealous. amazing, you slept with me almost instantly. and by the way, a quality woman doesn't do that. she doesn't say yes right away. she says no to a man for years, like, ten years. that's what a real woman does, okay? you know what you were acting like? a stupid little rich slut. and that's all that you are. - [sobbing] how can you do this to me? - are you still talking? go away, dumb-dumb. go run and hide. go from me. i don't want to see you anymore. - [sobbing] - [laughs] women, right? ah, man, all right, cool. i'm out! i'm out! - i didn't see that coming. - no. - guess charlie had the cruelest intentions of all, huh? - uh, see? feeling better? - yeah. you know, i-i've, um, i've been thinking about the restraining order. - you're gonna get rid of it? - [laughs] no. no, no. but, um, but i was thinking about reducing it fr
requests like they make requests to their parents, white kids. "look here, mommy, i want to use the garage for a whole week and promise you're not gonna come in there." (laughter) "okay, billy." he down there making a nuke. lights are flickering, the cable ain't working. she at the door, "i know he's doing something but i gave him my word. i'm not gonna go in there. i don't want to break my promise. you know black people. you better not close no door at your mother's house. you could be buck naked, lotioning yourself and she'll kick the door, "let go of the lotion. you leave the lotion out here for everybody to use. i'm up here late for work looking for the lotion. pack your-- get out of here, pack your stuff and get up out of here." see you all later. my name is earthquake. (cheers and applause) captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services. @@actress from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, oh, my god! hey, everybody, welcome t
came from the set of madmen. destroy him. he is using the past to predict the future. he's a wizard. drown him! [laughter] so why would the rest of -- with the rest of economy stagnating has there been a surge in mergers and acquisitions. it doesn't -- >> i can answer that question, jon. >> jon: john hodgman. [cheers and applause] >> the answer, ladies and gentlemen, for lack of a better word is greeb, greeb is good. greeb is right. greeb works. >> jon: sorry, i know you are doing a speech from wall street but it soand sounds like you are saying greeb with a b. >> yes, obviously. greeb, my friends cuts through all the. >> jon: john, sit down for a second. the gourdo gecko speech in the movie is famous and it's greed with a d not with a b. it's not greeb. >> check your shoulder pads, human league, the 80s are over. greed is done it the did the its job. the wealthy are wealthier than every before. our corporations corporations an unprecedented hoards of cash. we need a word for when you want everything but still want more. >> jon: i'm pretty sure it's still greed. >> not according to
to admire their ambition. that's a maurading gang going places. [ laughter ] we need guns to protect us on a government on the verge of fascism and impotence. hasn't gone either way, but it could. no one has suggested disarming the pocket. that's the point. we're talking about restricting certain military style weapons as we do with tanks, businesses and i don't know napalm. what is wrong with that? >> i'm holding in a hand a pistol grip. under this proposed legislation if this piece of plastic, this pistol grip were attached to this rifle, it would suddenly become a banned assault weapon. >> jon: actually it's suppose tbed a picture of an assault weapon which even under obama's rein would still be legal. fair point there are arbitrary aspects and silly aspects to the legislation that perhaps a young faced fresh legislator clearly eager to shape legislation could shape. maybe don't make it about the grip but fire rate magazine size. >> we hear that nobody needs larger magazines that thoses that use to shoot deers but an attacking criminal unlike a deer shoots back. >> jon: unlike a deer
about it, 'cause he's my little brother. i used to be able to just toss him around, but now i've got to hit him with a pipe. [ laughter ] thank you very much. you guys are great. thank you. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music["daily show" theme song playing] dhawz. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a very nice program for you tonight. my guest ambassador to to unitee united nations susan rice is here. we don't know how we got her on the program but perhaps it's a valentine's wish. want to give a quick shout out to the lovers out there some of whom are clearly lying. all the lovers that thought it might be a good idea to take their significant other on the cruise for the holiday and ended up stranded at sea spending six days crapping into a plastic bag or as the germans call that, the love boat. [ laughter ] [c
[horn honking]nking ) they've modified a bus to get us out of here! - i knew they'd come back for us!ome bak al - all right! yeah! - look, glen, we're saved!we'rea - all right, i'm turning around. i' - why are they turning? - what are they doing? don't leave us! - let's hope to christ this works. hope to - ♪ california love fonia ♪ ♪ california ♪ is nice to the homeless ♪is nice ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ to ♪ in the city in the ♪ city of santa monica sant ♪ lots of rich people ich e ♪ giving change to the homeless ♪omeless - change?c - ♪ in the city - ♪ city of brentwood - ♪ in the city ♪ they take really good care ♪ ♪ of all their homeless ir - they're listening! let's go! ♪ - ♪ in the city ity ♪ - ♪ marina del rey ♪ they're so nice to the homeless ♪meless ♪ build 'em porta-potties - they're--they're leading them away!they' - we're gonna be all right! we'r - ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ - ♪ california an ♪ a orn ne ♪ in the city ♪ city of venice ♪ right by m
all agree that this game is the most important thing that ever happened to us, right? - absolutely, yeah... - it's very important... - that's the truth. - it's a hugely important thing. so because i'm a nice guy. you know, 'cause i'm a cool dude, i'll let you live, all right? but, mac and frank, you got to give me your shares of paddy's pub. done. - what? - yes! and, dee, you're gonna have to do all the charlie work in the bar from here until-- oh, i don't know-- how's eternity sound? - [in bad british accent] stop, charlie. this game has gone on long enough. [in normal accent] uh, shit. - are you doing an accent? - yeah, i was doing a british acc--it was a british accent. - that was british?. - yeah, i had it so good in my head-- i was doing a really good british accent. doesn't matter. anyway... charlie, you think you have all the power? well, you don't. you see, the only thing bigger than a king is a god. - you think you're a god? i'm the one who's thriving, dennis. i mean, look at me. - you look like you're covered in hawaiian punch. - yeah? - yeah. - mm. - i am the god of my o
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)